Call it writers block .. call it whatever you want. I couldn’t come up with the words with what I have been feeling…
I haven’t been to church in almost 8 weeks. Every time we would go I would find myself crying. I’m pretty good at hiding it (I think….)
As we are are quickly approaching that April 6th date, I’m left feeling with uncertainty, confusion, skepticism, but optimistic.. sorrow, emptiness.. I thought if I just didn’t try, if I just thought about others things, that I would find some comfort in moving on. But that’s impossible.
Let me tell you, adoption is way more complicated than trying for your own. And about four or five times more expensive than fertility treatments. It took me some time to convince Joel that adoption was the answer. And so, after serious convincing, we traveled down that path. Unbelievable. I thought I had my ups and downs with IVF, this was much more complicated. We did the paperwork, the background checks, the references, crossed our T’s and dotted our I’s…. and when push came to shove the adoption center told us we would be the perfect parents to pursue adoption. They told us we were the ideal couple because we were young and had it all together…that young birth mothers would feel they could “relate to us” and that it would be “no time at all till we were matched” ..
But for the life of us, we could not come up with $30,000 to do it. God knows we tried. We applied for loans, turned to family, brainstormed, and nothing. In a December heart panicking moment, I ripped my engagement ring off and begged him to sell it. All I want is to be a mother. And he refused to entertain the thought of selling it. I came up with endless fundraising ideas, and Joel’s pride is just too high for me to compete with. He refuses the idea of us fundraising to have a family.
We got netflix and I was babysitting my darling niece recently, I put “Dumbo” on .. and while I was laying on the couch cuddling my niece till she fell asleep, I heard her whimper to my distraction asking why Mama Elephant was sad…. “The stork forgot to give her her baby” she whimpered. Oh the feelings of sadness I couldn’t show a three year old. I hid my tears in front of her and pretended I didn’t hear her. I held her close that night in my arms, for being an aunt may be the greatest of blessings I will ever get to experience.
I’m not ready to let go. April 6th is right around the corner. I can’t ignore the date. I lost my child that day. My child! My baby, my life, my everything I fathomed, wished, dreamed, loved, my entirety. “And no matter how my heart is grieving, I know if I keep on believing, that this dream that I wish, will come true.” – Cinderella
I haven’t successfully been able to write a blog about “Why we’re not adopting” because it makes me really angry inside. When people ask, I just want to hit them! As if we haven’t thought of that. Or as if it was that simple. Like a Burger King that you just drive thru and “have it your way” ?!?! I hardcore researched 4 different agencies, asking questions, applying, reading, documenting etc. and finally found the courage to pursue adoption with one of them. But wait … Joel and I were on two different pages. You see, while we love each other and both want the same thing, we have different ideas of how to get there..parenthood. And I put more love and need in my approach with him, it wasn’t easy, but I convinced him that this was the way to go. Ugh. I was so wrong…..