This is probably the hardest question any of my patients have to ask themselves.  And the answer lies within the patient/couple.  No worries about what the doc thinks, he will tell you right away that you need to move to egg donation if that’s what he thinks.  Easy for him to say. 

I will help you out and tell you that YOU will know when you are ready.  All of my patients feel the need to try with their own eggs and most do.  Some can’t for financial reasons.  They have enough funds to either try with their own eggs or move on to egg donation so, especially with their low chances, they just head to egg donation.  Most folks would keep on trying with their own eggs if they had a money tree in their backyard, but of course they don’t.  I will say that once I see a couple make the decision, they never look back. 

So, it seems that it’s not the going through egg donation that is tough but rather deciding when it’s time to go that route.  And let me tell you something, you know who has the hardest time with this decision 90% of the time…..the male partner.  Seems that once the woman has decided it’s time she almost breathes a sigh of relief, but the male partner usually has a harder time.  I think they almost feel they are cheating their wife out of something…or just plain cheating on her.  Silly, but very real to them. 

Like I said, it is tough for the patient to finally decide to go the egg donor route, but after the realization that regardless of the “blueprint,” this will be THEIR baby – that this baby will have no other mommy – the decision is almost welcomed.  I often share with my patients an article I read many years ago (don’t ask me where or what it was exactly, can’t remember) that stated it is believed that many of the specific hormones made by the woman carrying the baby decide often which genes are turned off/on, etc.  This is how I see it – they are the “contractor”.  They are definitely given a specific blueprint to follow but how exactly it is followed is up to them.  I truly believe this. 

Egg donor selection varies as well.  Some seem to be able to find their donors within days, others can take months.  I had one adorable patient who physically was short, carrying a few extra pounds, and kind of plain looking.  She had a ball finding a donor.  She picked a tall, thin, athletic donor.  I can still remember her laughing and saying she was picking out traits she would want the baby to have.  She was most definitely very centered about her decision. 

The cycles are almost stress-free as well.  They aren’t waiting for the bad news throughout the cycle.  Generally, it is good news, followed by more good news, and the toughest decision they have to make is how many great looking embryos to transfer. 

Suffice it to say, I have never seen one of my recipient moms holding their new babies ever even give it a thought as to why or how they got to where they are…..just glad that they did.

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The topic of gender selection when doing IVF seems so taboo to most of my patients. I have some patients who are only doing IVF in order to get either a boy or a girl specifically. Generally they don’t have any fertility issues per se and have no problem with gender selection. Sometimes they already have boys/girls at home, sometimes they just want one child and they want specifically a boy/girl. Either way, they are adamant about only wanting a boy/girl. I also have patients who aren’t adamant about it but have a preference for boy/girl. This group tends to be doing IVF for infertility issues and also tend to have guilt about preferring a boy/girl.

I remember I had a couple who had just finished a consult with Dr. Sher and the woman called me aside privately and said she was too embarrassed to ask Dr. Sher about this but wanted to know what she could do to try to have a girl. I asked her why she felt uncomfortable and she explained that of course, they’d be happy with a healthy child, but she felt bad that she wanted to try for a girl and just plain felt guilty for having these thoughts. I told her that in no way should she feel this way. It is indeed a very rare individual (in or out of the infertility community) who doesn’t dream about their first child being a boy or girl…or maybe having one of each…or all of one. I think most of us do this and it is very normal. No reason it should be abnormal just because you are undergoing IVF. I have news for you as well, all you can do is try to hedge your bets as it is. The reality is all we can really do is let you know what gender you gave us in embryos, we can’t alter what you give us. I laugh, though it isn’t funny, but it really seems that most of the time a couple ends up with the “other” gender. Those who wanted girls end up with more boy embryos and vice versa.

I had a very wealthy couple who came to see us and they were adamant about wanting girl babies only. They were both older and each had boys from previous marriages so they wanted daughters together. The couple needed egg donation and since money was no object they went with 2 egg donors since they knew that their choice of gender was reducing their chances by half. Well, one donor only gave them “normal” boys and the other donor ended up giving them 2 “normal” girls. Seemed like a lot of money spent to only get 2 embryos for transfer. They handled it pretty well but as most folks they didn’t feel like they were getting what they paid for and I had to explain that though there is lots of interventions involved in IVF, there is still plenty left up to old mother nature and gender is one of them.

At almost the same time that this couple was cycling I had another well to do business couple (without infertility issues) that wanted to control their reproductive choices and have a boy first then girl…..thank you very much. It sounded like they were coming in to our office to order drapes. Husband was a very assertive type and definitely felt that they should get what they paid for. Again, mother nature decided differently, and they were given “normal” girl embryos first time around. They froze the girls and cycled again. Next time around they got lucky and got their “normal” boy embryos and she had a beautiful little boy. Now it was time for the girl. They came back for the frozen transfers and didn’t succeed with the girl embryos. They went through another fresh cycle and again got “normal” boy embryos. She was successful and now they have their two children….two boys. You see, we can only control so much of what mother nature controls, so like the rest of us out there (and as my 5 year old learned in pre-school)…..you git what you git and you don’t throw a fit!

Linda

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Privacy….boy that really seems to be lacking in our world of infertility, doesn’t it? If by chance anyone knows you are undergoing infertility treatment it seems like it is often public domain to be asked how things are going? How was retrieval? How do the embryos look? I know this is a double edged sword because there really are times that we want to talk with family and friends about our struggles but where is the line? Easy answer…the line is wherever YOU say it is. The public really needs to understand that our fertility life is sometimes just as private to us as their sex life is to them. I mean, we have all known couples who have decided to try to get pregnant the old fashioned way but do we ever approach them and ask them how the old sex life is, any certain position that is working, etc? Heck no! Like I said, I can’t always blame our supporters for not knowing when enough is enough in the way of questions but you certainly need not feel obliged to discuss the details. For my patients who come and see me for treatment here in Las Vegas, well we have decided that we are going to tell folks “I got pregnant in Las Vegas, I wasn’t always conscious and often times there were people in the room I didn’t even know!”. We figure they’ll stop asking questions after that.

Certainly, I have had plenty of patients who choose to not reveal that they are undergoing infertility treatment. No one’s business but theirs. Good for them. I never had the strength to keep my big mouth shut while undergoing treatment but I commend those who can. Of course, it is often easy for my patients because they just take a little “vacation” to good old Las Vegas and they avoid lots of questions from friends and family. Our supporters don’t mean to be hurtful but it seems like as soon as they learn you are having IVF someone is going to come along and ask “Boy, did you hear about that clinic that mixed up the embryos?”. Yeah, I heard about it and it is alive and well in my nightmares. When I underwent IVF I always felt I would have to “prove” to my family that the child really was ours (“see doesn’t he look just like daddy”). Sad, but true. This is why more and more patients are keeping this so private.

Then of course there are the couples that are undergoing 3rd party parenting, specifically egg donation. Do they reveal this? Do they even tell their child? This is really a tough one. I’d say more than half of my patients don’t plan on revealing to anyone (child included) that they used an egg donor. And to these folks I can only give one piece of advice……then don’t tell ANYONE. I certainly can’t judge what is “right” and neither can you. These patients are scared and they are thinking of what is best for them in the long run as well as their child. It’s tough, for sure. I even had a patient who hid she used a surrogate. She wore a fake belly the whole time. She may opt to not even tell the child down the road. These scenarios always bring up interesting questions about “rights”. Does the child have a “right” to know their genetic history? Does the child have a “right” to know who gave birth to them? Interesting and difficult questions that we haven’t legally dealt with yet.

So, the bottom line is you can keep your infertility as quiet as you like. I remember the struggle at times between not believing how the world went along so smoothly around me while I was suffering and not believing how the world was focusing on nothing more than my fertility. Or so it seemed to me.

Linda

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That seems like a silly question, right? I mean why would you even be reading this if you weren’t? Well, the truth is that most of you are not “infertile”. Of course, let’s define “infertile”. By definition, “infertile” means not fertile or sterile. Most of the patients I see are not sterile, they just have what I refer to as lesser fertility. Exceptions to this, of course, are bilateral blocked tubes, complete annovulation (a woman who never ovulates) or when the male has no sperm (azoospermic) for example. Maybe you have PCO, endometriosis, immune issues, oligospermia (not so hot sperm) or just darn getting up there in age. These are most of the types of patients I see. None of these folks are sterile but they do have a decrease in fertility.

Now, I know what you are saying….it’s all semantics. Well, maybe it is but I also know how it feels to be labeled. I have known many, many “infertile” patients who somehow magically had a child before becoming “infertile” or after ART treatment (successful or not) managed to have a child without assistance. And I know that many of you know these folks or even are these folks. Heck, I’m one too! As a matter of fact, just simply getting older puts you into this group. You could have had all the fertility in the world when you were younger and by just simply growing older you become labeled “infertile”. No, lessened fertility is what it is.

So, what’s the big deal with being labeled “infertile”? Oh, I don’t know, only everything! It’s about how I feel being labeled “infertile” or an “infertility patient”. I just don’t like it. However, I respect the struggle we all undergo. I am a woman with 3 kids and on appearance it doesn’t seem like I’d be an “infertile” woman but I have struggled with fertility all my life and many of you have as well. And I will tell you this, having children doesn’t make the struggle disappear. Once you’ve had a taste of the fear of childlessness or fear of not growing the family you once dreamed of…well, it just doesn’t go away. To this day, I have such feelings of envy when I see a pregnant woman. Funny, not so much when I see a baby but rather a pregnant tummy still gets me. Why? Because I’m a woman who didn’t have control over that part of my life and I was always so afraid it wouldn’t happen. So yeah, we need to stop labeling ourselves as “infertile”. We are fertilely challenged, I’ll give you that but let’s not be so quick to label – it makes things sound hopeless when that couldn’t be further from the truth. The one thing we all have – and never forget this – is hope.

-Linda

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First, let me start out by saying how excited I am to have the honor to speak to the very individuals that I live for every day. For those of you who know me, speaking is an easy task for me. I hope what I have to say is of interest to most of you as well.

So, who am I? You’ve probably already read my bio so you have some basic stats. That’s part of who I am. How I got here is another story. My short story is I am a mother of 3 and am truly blessed with what was dealt me. Now, I didn’t always feel that way. Like many who have been through infertility, I felt life wasn’t fair. Why me? What did I do to deserve this?  I thought maybe I wasn’t even meant to be a mother. Turns out none of these things are true but you never really learn this until your journey is over. My journey is over, and in the end I have my 3 lovely children: Chelsea age 24, Echo age 14 and Emilio age 5.  So, as you can see, I have had a child every decade. I certainly didn’t plan for this to happen but now that it has, I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Who the heck plans out their children this way? No one that I know of! But it is where my journey led me and I consider myself the luckiest woman in the world.

I struggled for many years to have a child and in the end I was blessed in that it seems I haven’t stopped being a “mommy” to a child for almost 25 years. Well, I asked to be a mom and I got it. I have been doing the tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, etc. thing for almost half my life. Just as one child becomes “too old,” another one comes along ready to take their place. I get it now…..and trust me when I say you too will get it one day.

When it was time for me to choose my career path I knew I somehow wanted to work in women’s healthcare. But, because of my history, I knew I couldn’t handle working in your typical Labor & Delivery (to this day, I’m jealous of pregnant woman) or pediatrics. I knew I was meant to enter the infertility field. So, I waited. One day I saw an ad in the local paper for a fertility specialist looking for a weekend nurse. Didn’t matter to me who it was or what the hours were. I applied and told the hiring nurse you don’t even have to pay me. Just give me a chance. Wow, did I luck out when instead of some local yocal, I found out I was applying for a job with a world renowned specialist. Turns out it was Dr. Geoffrey Sher.  Cut to the chase, here I am 14 years later.

This is where you come in…..who are you? You are who I write this blog for and about. Yes, when you read a story about a patient and you wonder if I’m talking about you….I am. You and the other 1000’s of patients that I’ve been privileged to work with. I want you all to understand what I have learned from my experiences with you. Yes, there are many, many individual stories out there but you’d be surprised how much you all share and have in common. So many of you think you are the anomaly, you think that you are a nuisance to me, you think that you bother me with too many questions, you think you are the only “nut” out there. Couldn’t be further from the truth. You are all bright, educated women (or men) who are just trying to take a little control of an uncontrollable situation.

My advice to all my patients – and I want to get this out there before I start flying off on tangents on a variety of topics in the future - is this….please know that your journey ends in a good place. I won’t say I know how or I know when, but it does. You have to trust and have faith. What I have seen and have personally experienced in my life is this, infertile individuals become AMAZING parents. I won’t say that parents of the fertile type don’t love their children because of course they do, those of us who have struggled with infertility are madly in love with our children. And that, my friends, is what every child deserves in this life.

- Linda

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Dr. Sher refers to Linda as “Mother Teresa” and that describes her essence perfectly. She is a core member of the Sher Fertility Institute Medical Team and in many ways she is the true “heart” of the practice.

Working alongside Dr. Sher for more than 12 years as his right hand, Linda is the consummate “nurse” in that she is compassionate and warm. She cares about her patients and it shows.

Yet her personal characteristics are only part of what makes her a true Healthcare Hero. She is also extremely knowledgeable in the ever-evolving, highly technical practice of reproductive medicine; a dynamic field that marries breakthrough science and heightened human emotion. These are patients who come to her with frayed emotions as they make the journey from the heartache of infertility to the joy of family.

Linda has a unique understanding of these patients – she once was one. Linda was a pre med student at University of Nevada Reno when she herself struggled with infertility. She had to undergo In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) which is when she decided to switch her major from pre med to nursing. She calls this one of the best decisions she has ever made and her patients couldn’t agree more.

After spending two years in oncology nursing and starting her own family, Linda joined Sher Fertility Institute in 1999 and quickly moved up in the organization to become Dr. Sher’s chief nurse and the executive clinical manager of the Sher Fertility Institutes around the country. Linda is not only solely responsible for coordinating Dr. Sher’s full local, national and international patient load, but she sets the clinical standards for the Las Vegas Medical Office and all of the Sher offices throughout the country.

Linda’s greatest attribute is her ability to relate and empathize with patients. Going through IVF is a physically and emotionally difficult experience for patients, husbands and families. Patients spend a lot of time with Linda via email, on the phone and in person. She helps patients with all facets of their treatment – medical and clinical aspects as well as the psychological hurdles they often endure. Linda is there with a listening ear and well-thought out advice.

It is her patients who describe Linda best and make the case for her as a Healthcare Hero. Here are just a few quotes we wanted to share:

• Linda has been an incredible partner in our journey to fertility. She is the clearest communicator and most compassionate ally that we could have ever hoped for. Linda always takes the time to make sure we understand every step in the process, which has not only made the process enjoyable but her comprehensive explanations have provided us with an education that we have been able to share with our family and friends. Linda’s warmth, humor, intelligence and candor has been as much a part of our journey as our hopes and dreams to grow our family.
• I adore Linda! She is fabulous! She is always great about calming my anxiety, answering questions quickly, and making me smile even when she’s giving frustrating news.
• I LOVE LOVE LOVE Linda. She is great with understanding everything and she “gets it”. I love how she can work with any personality. She always made me feel special and cared for. I always appreciated her confidence in me and her humor. Her experience and knowledge are PRICELESS! She is a gem and they are SO blessed to have her
• Linda in particular was amazing! She was always available to answer any question no matter how small. She spent countless hours answering my questions and really going above and beyond to make sure she gave me all the information I needed. I know how busy she is but Linda never made me feel like just another patient. She really made the process so much easier for me and I can’t begin to thank her enough. I could go on and on about how wonderful she is…. For fertility patients the relationship they have with there nurse is critical. After working with many nurses and fertility centers throughout the past 5 years, Linda has by far been the absolute best!
• Linda- phenomenal attention to detail with simultaneous genuine compassion for patients! Trust her with my life!

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